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| i read in an article that you can become paranoid due to lack of sleep. looking at my sleep pattern for the past 2 months, i can conclude that i might be paranoid. i do not WANT to stay up late, i want to SLEEP. but due to work, school, observations and such... i just can't.
Life has been overwhelming. I haven't had decent sleep in 2 months. Free time is a luxury. Free time has to be homework time. Traffic drives me insane. I fall asleep driving everywhere. A thought came to my mind a couple days ago... I wanted to die rather than keep living this way. Granted, I'm quitting my job at the end of the year and school will be over in roughly in a month and a half. But that seems a LONG way away. Really, it does. Time doesn't fly for me. It crawls.
I haven't had time to talk to friends. I haven't had time to hang out. I rarely see my family and only for maybe 5 minutes a day. It's simply madness.
My QT's have been non-existent. Throughout this madness, I feel like God is waiting on me to come back. Waiting to give me rest. Waiting to give me peace. Waiting to ease past hurts, to hold me, to love me. I know I've been looking at other things and other people to give me those things. It seemed to help for a while. Then I got disappointed, then I got sad.
What a fool I've been. What a fool I am. God is perfect. God won't fail me. God will always love me. Good job, Grace.
So the journey back home begins. | | |
| Arizona was great.
On the day I was coming back, I got a call from my mom. My grandmother in Korea had passed away. A couple of months ago, she randomly went into a coma. Miraculously (the doctors say) she awoke from the coma and started a period of recovery. My dad got to see her that time. After he came back, her health was starting to deteriorate- she wouldn't eat. I have funny memories with my grandma. She was kinda mean to other ppl, talked a lot of crap about her daughter-in-laws and my grandpa. I don't know... but it was hilarious. I remember putting on her earrings for her cuz she couldn't find her ear hole. I remember when she used to live with us... she made me these Korean dessert thingies that were oh so good. Her breath always stank but it was all good. She was always good to me.
In Arizona, I found out that one of the families I knew since my first trip there had two losses: the father and one of their 19-year-old daughters. Another student I knew... her grandmother passed away and she was coping as well as she could as a young teenager. It didn't hit me until a couple days later.
During the trip, I found out that a brother I knew a long time ago from church had passed away in Iraq due to a truck bombing. He was very young. Life is so fragile...
I guess it's the first time I've had a loss that was so close. Usually it's people's grandparents or random church ppl's relatives. My world seems chaotic at the present time and I am tired. I feel stressed but don't necessarily know what is causing it. I need prayer.
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| i swear my car's a magnet... for 1. other cars 2. bees 3. other objects aka DAMN BOXES ON THE FREEWAY I GIVE UP | | |
| i am definitely trying to get on a better track. leaving the weary road for an uplifting one... one where i find strength in God, one where i am more patient, one where i seek God, one where i mend relationships, one where i would be a blessing. MY NEWS... my grandma in korea is definitely better so praise God~ i joined 24 hour fitness... paid for 3 years  i better go and get my money's worth hehe i'm almost done with school observations so no more waking up at 530  on a sadder note, my grandma's alzheimer's has gotten severely worse. she is definitely in one of the last stages. i've been trying to help look for information and find a caregiver for her. i can't say i didn't think about just quitting my job and living with her for a while. altho i'm pretty open with ppl about my life, i've had a hard time telling ppl about my grandma. i can't say it without crying. only a month or two left of class at csulb. been pretty gay. i hope the other professors in the program are better. speaking of class, i gotta go now. ugh  bye!  | | |
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